Missing Blog!

As many of you may have notice, I have been following some blogs that are relevant to my addiction. One in particular has hit home because the gentleman suffers from the same addiction that I do. But today I noticed that this particular blog (SEXUAL ADDICTION BLOG) has been removed. How depressing? I hope that the closed blog is a sign that Steven has found true healing elsewhere. Steve - you're in my prayers!

New Day Sunshine

Woke up this morning refreshed and recharged. At least a little more hopeful. Maybe that's overstating it. I think I'm depressed, as evidenced by my fatigue and general malaise. I lack motivation to get a large job done. Partly because I'm balking. Fear of failure. Fear that my nudity will be exposed. But I took a few steps toward healing - at least it felt as if I was going in that direction. I reported a few websites that are not filtered. I'm not trying to police the internet. I just recognize that I need to hinder the ease of access to these toxins.

I love my wife and kids

I want to add that I love my wife and kids very much. At least as much as my brokenness allows. I know I find true intimacy very difficult and don't often express my love, especially when caught up in my addiction. I don't often show my appreciation for all my wife does and seldom vocalize it.

Can a person so deeply self-focused and yet so profoundly self-loathing really love anyone else? It's as though my emotional growth is severely stunted and I have the emotional maturity of a toddler.

In what subtle ways am I sabotaging my children's growth? By failing to be a good role model. But what about other subtler ways? Am I teaching through my actions and expressions unhealthy attitudes toward sex, intergender relationships, marriage? I can't imagine all the nuances and intricacies I miss in my lust-clouded state of mind. But also, what opportunities to teach positive life lessons am I missing at the same time? I come home after a day of acting out in a sort of daze with a strong hostile undercurrent. I wrap myself up in an emotional cocoon and don't let my wife or kids in.

On A Personal Suicide Watch

Why is it so hard to ask for help when you need it? I know suicide attempts are often desperate cries for help. I don't want to do that to my family. But when I imagine myself asking for help, it seems so pathetic: "please help me. I can't stop myself from doing things that anyone else can see is self-destructive and can only end very badly for myself, my wife and kids! Everyone else can stop!" Maybe I'm too proud to admit that I really am pathetic.

The thing is this: I'm addicted to lust. I waste innumerable hours at work looking at porn. Then I take it another step and start browsing classifieds. This often leads to chatting or exchanging emails with another possible addict. Sometimes a meeting follows. The cycle is only interrupted - short circuited - if I masturbate. After momentary elation, I plummet into despair and self-loathing and I find myself once again swearing off the stuff and going clean for the moment. Until the next hit, and the cycle starts again.

Any moment I will be caught - by co-workers who see my porn, by an acquaintance who sees me hooking up or visiting adult bookstores, by my kids walking in on me at home. My face flushes red and my heart stops every time I imagine this. But I only carry this realization briefly during momentary periods of sanity. Once I get into the cycle, nothing seems to stop me.

I've lost jobs - indirectly - because of this addiction; my efforts to give my employer anything close to 50% of my time and energy are futile. I've put my family at risk, health-wise and financially.

So I'm stuck in this quandary. I don't feel my family benefits from my existence, except that I know that my absence could be more harmful, especially depending on the nature of my exit. I understand that children of suicide victims are more likely to follow the example. And there's that fear of pain and death, too. Plus, I like living.

I'm too weak to stop my behavior and yet too cowardly end it permanently. I am severely flawed and lack any character. On top of that, I am incapable of any real honesty or intimacy. I lie to myself and anyone who has tried to help me with this.

I guess I'll take a break here and continue later.

Hoping this is therapeutic!