I love my wife and kids

I want to add that I love my wife and kids very much. At least as much as my brokenness allows. I know I find true intimacy very difficult and don't often express my love, especially when caught up in my addiction. I don't often show my appreciation for all my wife does and seldom vocalize it.

Can a person so deeply self-focused and yet so profoundly self-loathing really love anyone else? It's as though my emotional growth is severely stunted and I have the emotional maturity of a toddler.

In what subtle ways am I sabotaging my children's growth? By failing to be a good role model. But what about other subtler ways? Am I teaching through my actions and expressions unhealthy attitudes toward sex, intergender relationships, marriage? I can't imagine all the nuances and intricacies I miss in my lust-clouded state of mind. But also, what opportunities to teach positive life lessons am I missing at the same time? I come home after a day of acting out in a sort of daze with a strong hostile undercurrent. I wrap myself up in an emotional cocoon and don't let my wife or kids in.