I love a big electrical storm that lights up the skies in quick successive flashes accompanied by tympanic thunder. You can feel the tingle of excitement, but the thing I love best is the cleansing smell of ozone and the sense of renewal that the storm leaves behind. The grass always seems greener, the skies bluer and the air crisper. The whole world seems to be brand new.In many ways, that's the sense of renewal I get from a good confession. But even though I know that my sins have been absolved, hanging low in the sky remain two dark clouds that threaten my peace. The first one is the knowledge of harm, pain and anguish my past sins have wrought. This is the cross I must carry but I still hope for Christ to lift it from me.
The second burden I also need to lay before Christ but I don't know how. This second cloud is the knowledge -- burned into my every fiber through repetition -- that as before I will crash again. I don't know how to prevent it, this seemingly inevitable capitulation to primordial instincts that form the bedrock of my addiction. In the past, my conscience has played a major role in my decision-making processes. A little nag here and my actions were redirected; a stinging reprimand there and my course was corrected. But little by little, with each poor decision, each self-indulgence, my conscience has been damaged and now seems little more than a flagging remnant. Like a flag yet clinging by one last grommet in the crashing storm, my little voice of Right flaps in the direction of the more powerful winds, only barely resisting the pull. I fear for that last grommet, or more accurately, for my soul -- and my family's well-being -- if and when that last grommet gives. If it does, can my conscience be recovered? What pain and humiliation will I put my family through?
It's not that my conscience is absent. When I am at home, with my family, doing fun things, and when everything is good and right and ordered, my conscience is appeased and I feel no need to stray. In fact, at those moments I am very focused on doing what's right and committed to holiness and wholeness. But step away from that scenario just briefly and I ignore my conscience. It's like the kid in school that everyone makes fun of. I'm attentive to my conscience when no other pressures are around, but if the popular bully comes in the door, I'm joining the antagonists and throwing rocks at my conscience.
I want to restore my conscience to the center of my thinking. I want to be guided by right thinking, right judgment, courage -- all the gifts of the Holy Spirit. I just don't know how to do this. I have come up with a million ideas, but have stuck to none. Can anyone provide any suggestions out there? Pray for me, as I will be seeking counseling tomorrow. I missed it yesterday because of fear and flesh. Because I ignored my conscience (speak up, Jiminy! I can't hear you!).
My fear of counseling is more a fear of exposure. Not so much to the counselor (I will try to touch on my honesty issues later). I know I desperately need help. But help costs money, and that is something we don't have enough of. More importantly, my wife writes the checks for us, and if she receives a bill from a shrink, she'll think I've fallen again (she knows of my past sins, but thinks I'm fine). She has threatened to leave me if I fall again.
So, my hope for my meeting tomorrow isn't as big as healing. I merely hope that my counselor and I can formulate a plan of healing that will keep my family intact. I suppose either way I risk my family. Either I condemn my family to certain anguish and probable destruction through my continued selfishness, or I risk my possible spousal (or familial) ostracism by the route of healing I pursue. I think the latter is the better choice.
I know this rambling is not the highest quality of writing, but I doubt anyone is reading this. If you are reading this, I hope this helps you in some way. At any rate, please pray for me and my family.
The picture and others like it are available at: http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?picture=lightning-strike&image=685
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